Saturday, October 13, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Praise the Lord and Modern Medicine
Ocean Water Saline, Flonase, Z-pack, and Phenegrin should take care of what has been making me feel terrible and draining my bank account these past few days. This is day three of either calling into work or leaving early. Today I only worked one hour and a half of my eight hour shift. Labor was high and my boss didn't want me infecting people. Thank goodness my mom informed me last night that my health insurance had yet to be canceled by the company. I guess that gives me a few more days my health can completely fail before I have to apply for Medicaid.
I dropped the bomb on my mom while we were watching Supervolcano on DiscoveryHD (another story) that I want to forgo the plan of staying out of school for a year and instead return next semester. She gave me a look and said I have to talk to my father. In layman's terms that means: You have yet to prove yourself and if we talk about it we'll end up not speaking for three days. By not proving myself I mean I have yet to get on a new medication (which I won't), have yet to secure a psychiatrist appointment (not my fault), and have not paid off my bills yet (yay money :-/). Lest we forget that I've been going to therapy, am in the process of being promoted to shift manager at work (yay more money!), and am saving money. But apparently we have overlooked that. Oh well.
I started Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (for all y'all not obsessed with the latest and greatest) after owning a copy for 1+ years. I love it. I love how untraditional it is, how radical his thinking is compared to stuffy fundamentalists, and how amazing it makes me feel to read his words. I feel like I can relate to him and that he presents Jesus in a way that lets me know that if I were to meet Jesus on any given day, face to face, that He would accept me for who I am and not yell at me. I prayed last night, not very long, but long enough that I felt like everything had been lifted from my chest and I didn't feel like I was suffocating. So much has happened these past two days that I don't know why I've been doing this to myself. Why have I been ignoring God while He's desperately been trying to get my attention? Why have I been hurting those around me because I'm so angry and pessimistic? Why have I been so angry and pessimistic? Because I've been without God. I had turned my back on Him, like a disgruntled teen turns their back on their parents. I felt, laying in my bed, as if I had cried to the point where I could cry no more. Everything was running together into one massive eruption of anger, disappointment, abandonment, hopelessness, and self-loathing. I honestly felt like I was choking. I laid that way for three hours before I called out to Him.
I wish I could say everything is all better. I wish I could say that I don't feel like crying still. This whole day I've been choking back tears. Anything that sparks emotion brings tears to my eyes and convulsions to my chest. I feel so exposed. Alone in my humanity. The only thing holding me together right now is knowing that things get better. That the harder I fight, the stronger I will be when all of it comes to an end. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can change these things about myself I hate. All I need is God letting me know that He'll never leave me, that He loves me, and that I can do the things that I am meant to do with my life.
And maybe I need a little love in my life.
I dropped the bomb on my mom while we were watching Supervolcano on DiscoveryHD (another story) that I want to forgo the plan of staying out of school for a year and instead return next semester. She gave me a look and said I have to talk to my father. In layman's terms that means: You have yet to prove yourself and if we talk about it we'll end up not speaking for three days. By not proving myself I mean I have yet to get on a new medication (which I won't), have yet to secure a psychiatrist appointment (not my fault), and have not paid off my bills yet (yay money :-/). Lest we forget that I've been going to therapy, am in the process of being promoted to shift manager at work (yay more money!), and am saving money. But apparently we have overlooked that. Oh well.
I started Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (for all y'all not obsessed with the latest and greatest) after owning a copy for 1+ years. I love it. I love how untraditional it is, how radical his thinking is compared to stuffy fundamentalists, and how amazing it makes me feel to read his words. I feel like I can relate to him and that he presents Jesus in a way that lets me know that if I were to meet Jesus on any given day, face to face, that He would accept me for who I am and not yell at me. I prayed last night, not very long, but long enough that I felt like everything had been lifted from my chest and I didn't feel like I was suffocating. So much has happened these past two days that I don't know why I've been doing this to myself. Why have I been ignoring God while He's desperately been trying to get my attention? Why have I been hurting those around me because I'm so angry and pessimistic? Why have I been so angry and pessimistic? Because I've been without God. I had turned my back on Him, like a disgruntled teen turns their back on their parents. I felt, laying in my bed, as if I had cried to the point where I could cry no more. Everything was running together into one massive eruption of anger, disappointment, abandonment, hopelessness, and self-loathing. I honestly felt like I was choking. I laid that way for three hours before I called out to Him.
I wish I could say everything is all better. I wish I could say that I don't feel like crying still. This whole day I've been choking back tears. Anything that sparks emotion brings tears to my eyes and convulsions to my chest. I feel so exposed. Alone in my humanity. The only thing holding me together right now is knowing that things get better. That the harder I fight, the stronger I will be when all of it comes to an end. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can change these things about myself I hate. All I need is God letting me know that He'll never leave me, that He loves me, and that I can do the things that I am meant to do with my life.
And maybe I need a little love in my life.
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