Okay. It's been a while. So I guess I'll update:

1. I'm single again after two years.
2. I still don't have a new car after my horrific wreck.
3. I have a new job.
4. I'm starting my certificate program Jan 7th.
5. I like someone, but have a feeling it's a false hope.
6. I drink way too much.
7. I smoke too much.
8. I'm unhappy.
9. I know that things will get better.

That's about it. Hopefully I'll update more often, but as no one even reads this it's whatever.

<3

i really feel like i'm dying.

Praise the Lord and Modern Medicine

Ocean Water Saline, Flonase, Z-pack, and Phenegrin should take care of what has been making me feel terrible and draining my bank account these past few days. This is day three of either calling into work or leaving early. Today I only worked one hour and a half of my eight hour shift. Labor was high and my boss didn't want me infecting people. Thank goodness my mom informed me last night that my health insurance had yet to be canceled by the company. I guess that gives me a few more days my health can completely fail before I have to apply for Medicaid.

I dropped the bomb on my mom while we were watching Supervolcano on DiscoveryHD (another story) that I want to forgo the plan of staying out of school for a year and instead return next semester. She gave me a look and said I have to talk to my father. In layman's terms that means: You have yet to prove yourself and if we talk about it we'll end up not speaking for three days. By not proving myself I mean I have yet to get on a new medication (which I won't), have yet to secure a psychiatrist appointment (not my fault), and have not paid off my bills yet (yay money :-/). Lest we forget that I've been going to therapy, am in the process of being promoted to shift manager at work (yay more money!), and am saving money. But apparently we have overlooked that. Oh well.

I started Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (for all y'all not obsessed with the latest and greatest) after owning a copy for 1+ years. I love it. I love how untraditional it is, how radical his thinking is compared to stuffy fundamentalists, and how amazing it makes me feel to read his words. I feel like I can relate to him and that he presents Jesus in a way that lets me know that if I were to meet Jesus on any given day, face to face, that He would accept me for who I am and not yell at me. I prayed last night, not very long, but long enough that I felt like everything had been lifted from my chest and I didn't feel like I was suffocating. So much has happened these past two days that I don't know why I've been doing this to myself. Why have I been ignoring God while He's desperately been trying to get my attention? Why have I been hurting those around me because I'm so angry and pessimistic? Why have I been so angry and pessimistic? Because I've been without God. I had turned my back on Him, like a disgruntled teen turns their back on their parents. I felt, laying in my bed, as if I had cried to the point where I could cry no more. Everything was running together into one massive eruption of anger, disappointment, abandonment, hopelessness, and self-loathing. I honestly felt like I was choking. I laid that way for three hours before I called out to Him.

I wish I could say everything is all better. I wish I could say that I don't feel like crying still. This whole day I've been choking back tears. Anything that sparks emotion brings tears to my eyes and convulsions to my chest. I feel so exposed. Alone in my humanity. The only thing holding me together right now is knowing that things get better. That the harder I fight, the stronger I will be when all of it comes to an end. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can change these things about myself I hate. All I need is God letting me know that He'll never leave me, that He loves me, and that I can do the things that I am meant to do with my life.

And maybe I need a little love in my life.

health insurance

Growing up I never understood how people could live day to day without health insurance. Now, being twenty and without it, I feel almost helpless. I need to go to the doctor, but I don't have the $80 for a 15 minute doctor's visit. Nor the money to have a prescription filled. So now all I'm doing is riding this out, hoping my fevers don't get to high, or that I get worse. I'll have to cure myself with DayQuil, Nyquil, Vitamin C, and bed rest. What else more am I to do?

technorati has claimed my soul

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fantastic

I really hate living at home. I hate it for many reasons.

Reason #1: My parents live here.

Everytime I turn around its something else. I have to give them money for this, I can't wash my own freaking clothes because my mom says I'll break the washer, I have to clean the bathroom because I'm the eldest which means Melissa doesn't have to do it anymore. (Melissa had a freaking child and I'm still the uncontrollable heathen). I can't use the car and go where I want (which is mine btw because I pay the insurance and it's paid off). I can't have a cigarette without someone freaking out over it. My mom steals stuff out of my room. I have a ton of clothes missing that I know she took because she thinks they look bad on me. My mom makes fun of me in front of my relatives/strangers/anyone by pointing out my weight, appearance, anything. I constantly get compared to my siblings or told I'm jealous of them.

Reason #2: No privacy. I share a room with my sister.

Oh and she's a clean freak that complains to my mom whenever I have clothes on the floor.

Reason #3: Questions.

My parents feel its their duty to ask me five hundred freaking questions a day that are none of their business.

Reason #4: I freaking hate it, okay?

I only took a year off from school because I need to get financially straight. My dad drops on me that I have to give him $100 out of each paycheck because I need to pay for stuff. HELLO? I think I know that. Now give me a freakin break.

AHHHH. On top of all this shite, I've quit my meds and I feel like I'm losing it. I'm quitting therapy too because I can't afford it and I know that's going to start a whole bunch of other shite.

Darnit.

5 Freaking Years

I'm now medication-free.